Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize