yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
