Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
