I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I checked into jail on foursquare
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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