YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My ass is underappreciated
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
