Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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