i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my shit smells like andre
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
