return my video game
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
