I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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