Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
