Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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