Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
