I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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