I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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