Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
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So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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