I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
