Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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