I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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