I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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