I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
wow bdsm is so cute
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
