I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
