Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
