3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
