guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
