When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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