Pants 0. Shit 1.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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