You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
