I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize