I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
