any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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