There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
