1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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