I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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