i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
