I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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