I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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