Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
