God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
