Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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