the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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