i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
