I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
3pm strippers are depressing
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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