the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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