I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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