My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
