We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
3pm strippers are depressing
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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