the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
