Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
