I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
