We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
