Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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