Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
