I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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