There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
