just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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