My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
